When I don't know

Nothing I Hold on to

I lean not on my own understanding,

My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I Give it all to you God, 

Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain 

With my hands wide open

I will climb this mountain 

With my hands wide open

There is nothing I hold on to

There is nothing I hold on to

There is nothing I hold on to

There is nothing I hold on to

I came across this song a while ago and saved it to my favorites.  Then one day when I was feeling like I didn't know what to do it began playing.  I listened to the words and began to visualize myself climbing a mountain much like the one in the picture but with my hands wide open and going up the mountain.  God has it covered.  I don't need to understand I just need to have faith to have my arms wide open and climb that mountain.  

The Little Girl Who Didn't Like Hugs

I'm writing right now so that I am away and busy.  Right now the littlest one is screaming at the top of her lungs and if I'm near her I get angry so I'm in a time out.  This is by no means the first yelling and screaming we've had in our house in the last month or so.  It happens almost every second day if not daily.  Right now I have a summer cold that has lead into an eye infection and really sore throat so to add that on to it I'm just not a happy camper right now and feel like kicking yelling and screaming as well, but it doesn't seem to help the matter at all so instead I write.

I keep hearing that "she's a typical girl".  I completely 1000% disagree.  I never recall my parents telling me that I acted like this when I was her age.  I've seen other little girls that are not as defiant as she.  Each child of course is different but my number 1 rule in parenting is......What kind of adult do you want to raise?  I want to be the parent of a respectful, likable, contributing adult.  Right now unfortunately we are on the path of disrespectful, kick and scream, demand to get my own way road....  So I give myself time outs.  Don't worry she gets her fair share too but right now I can't be around her.  I don't like her so I don't want to be around her.  I know, I'm a horrible parent.  I'm sure people are thinking twice about me now when in the past they may have said I was a good parent.  I'm honest, and right now this little girl who I'm still learning to love is driving me a little nuts.  I wish that adoption was this fairy tale that the minute you see the child you are adamantly in love and bursting.  I wasn't this time around.  So when people ask me how it's going I was lying until a couple days ago.  Now I tell the truth.  It's a struggle.  I'm having a hard time parenting the youngest.  It isn't a combination of the two, its one that the social worker told me "is a spoiled brat who has gotten away with everything up until this point.  Think of her as a strong willed horse that once you have put in their place is the best horse you could ever hope for."  So one day in the future she will be my lovable little girl that people will enjoy being around and remark that she's a great kid.  That's what I'm aiming for.  Then there is the addition of not wanting to favor one child over the other; I've seen that and it ruins sibling relationships so that once they are adults they don't even speak to each other.  

It's silent right now.  She's stopped screaming.  My dad asked once how long she will scream like that.  Today was 1 hour and 25 mins.  Another day it was an hour and a half.  Other parents tell me I have to win the battle.  It's not a battle.  I run a dictatorship.  I'm the boss and that's just the way it is.  It's kind of like the God/Satan relationship.  I'm not comparing myself to God by no means but everyone thinks that there is this battle going on.  There isn't.  God created Satan and then Satan disobeyed and he kicked Satan out and now Satan is just always ticked off.  See there is no battle; I'm the one who comes out on top every time because I'm the parent.  

We've Doubled in size!!

Well I seem to have fallen down on blogging in the last year but it is busy here; and I hate to use that term but I really have no other way to describe it.  I guess in the list of priorities taking the time to sit and write what we have been doing has fallen to the wayside.
So in October we had CJ join us.  She was 17 at the time and I remember seeing her working and she was the cashier that served us.  I walked out of the store knowing that she was going to come and live with us and it was just a done deal in my mind.  Sure there were the finer details to work out but it was a done deal. And it was; she's been with us since October 28.
Then I contemplated adopting again since November pretty much.  In February I decided I needed to get a move on it.  To be real here, I heard of a few other couples wanting to adopt in the community as well and I thought that they likely were wanting a little one similar to me and then it becomes almost like a competition.  Maybe this is a horrible way to look at it but that really is the reality when you are doing the matching game and having someone else decide how you become a parent to what child.  Yes it is all in the Big Guy's hands but human hands are in it too and that piece scares me...
So anyways I got my act together, called my references and they did their piece.  Then in early April I did my portion of the paperwork.  April 28th we were all done and our stuff was sent to headquarters to be entered into the system and placed on the "matching list" for the entire province.
So back up to 2010.  A few weeks before Jacob was placed with me his bio mom popped back in the picture and told the social worker that she was pregnant.  Based on this little fact I had registered with post-adoption registry to foster or adopt any siblings.  I always wondered about whether the pregnancy went to term or not.  In April 2011 I called posted adoption registry to find out if they in fact had my information because I never heard anything.  I assumed that maybe the pregnancy didn't work out or maybe she was a healthy person now; who knows.  All I knew was that if there was ever a baby I was at the mercy of a system that I feel has so many flaws in it that I didn't have my hopes too high that I would ever get a call.  I did wonder though.  I wondered if it was born, if it was a boy or a girl, if it was healthy, if Jacob would ever have a sibling who was his through blood, I wondered......
On May 1st I got a phone call that made me almost hyperventilate.  There was a baby, and it was the baby I always wondered about.  A little girl had been born on April 22, 2010.  Did we want her?  Ummm.......YEAH!!!!  I couldn't believe it.  Jacob had a sister and she was a healthy well loved little girl who had basically the same history as Jacob.  June 3rd I met this little girl whom I named Deliah Rae.  June 14th she came home to live with us and be loved by us forever and ever and ever.

I won't make this fairy tale too fairy-taleish and not write the truth about some of my hiccups along the way.  Such as..... Did you know that siblings fight??!!!??!?  I was living in a dream world thinking that they would always get a long and play happily together for 12 hours a day!!  I'm lucky if they last 20 minutes playing nicely together with no tattling or fighting.  I definitely got a reality check.  I now know that they play best when I am peeking out my window watching them and they don't know I'm there.  It's these moments that I savor.  Tonight I watched with a grin how they jumped on the trampoline together, knowing that Jacob had helped her on because she's too little to get on herself.  I then watched as he helped her get down and smiled as he ever so gently put her on the ground and I could hear her say "thank you Jacob."
Deliah is so similar to Jacob in so many ways and so different in just as many.  Both are routine kids and remind me of the routine.  Both love to sleep and happily go to bed.  Both are compassionate and kind.  The differences however are that she is very outgoing; he not so much, she is a jabberbox and talks a mile a minute, Jacob not so much.  She is super strong willed and stubborn, Jacob not so much.  Both at the end of the day are my kids and I love them to pieces.
After now adopting 2 kids; although both share the same mom then and now I've learned my biggest struggle with adopting.  I've missed out on 2-1/2 years of Jacob's life and 3 of Deliah's.  This means someone else has parented for those years and I struggle with that and now feel bad when I'm disciplining for things that were once okay and accepted things to do.  This is just some "raw truth" right now and in the big scheme I've always had it in the back of my head, "you are raising an adult, what kind of adult do you want this little person to be one day?"  That cold hard truth makes me follow through and take on that bad guy role every once in a while again so that my kids do have respect for rules, adults, consequences, etc.
So that's us.  We've doubled in size in a short year.  Saturday will be one year since we moved in and I'm thinking my family is probably happy I didn't buy a five bedroom house because I'd likely fill it full with teens and kids!

A year in review

Well I have been pondering this post in my head for a week or so now and have been thinking back over the year.  I know that there has been a lot happen but now it is just to write it all down.

So lets start off the year.  Well January, February were uneventful that I can remember.  Then in March I found out that there was a possible baby boy that would need an adoptive home.  I pursued that and even went all the way to Prince George, BC to find out about the baby.  Amongst waiting to hear about the baby Jake and I took a travel Alberta tour.  We had a great time and enjoyed ourselves.  Going to Drumheller, Lethbridge, Calgary, and Banff all in a week.  Thank goodness Jacob is a great traveller and didn't complain a bit about all the driving.  Although I wish he did his share of it! 

Then after our trip I continued to pursue adopting the little baby.  It was a tad complicated; but hey is having a baby ever easy??  I ended up going to Prince George, BC to meet the baby.  After a heart tugging visit I made the decision that I couldn't take this beautiful little boy away from a family that also wanted to adopt him and loved him like their own as well.  So I drove home in tears but with a heart that knew I had made the right decision.  In the midst of all of that I was also house shopping.  I had gone on a trip to SK to visit some friends and I had spoken to my realtor and had said I was interested in a house.  He had told me that at the time there was a pending offer on the house and he thought it was a done deal.  On the drive to SK I prayed and I said to God, "well God if you want us to be in this house it is your doing and I know you can move mountains."   5 days later my realtor let me know that the deal fell through and you guessed it.....

God moved a mountain.
So I then got over the grief of not having another little one to be a mom to by packing and getting ready to move into our own new to us home. 

Jake and I drove by everyday, sometimes 3 times a day.No we weren't excited at all!! On June 29th, my dad's birthday, we moved. On June 30th I woke up at 3am so excited and unpacked a good portion of the house.  Finally I could have room to have people over again!!  Throughout the summer we had company all the time and BBQ's and Jake had his birthday party in our back yard; it was so much fun and I am very thankful that God blessed us and answered my prayer. 

Summer was busy for us.  Jake finished pre-school; we went on a road trip, we took in a few fairs, went to Fort Edmonton Park, spent some time camping, went on the Stettler train ride and just were really busy!! 

Then it was time for fall.  Jake started maternelle; kindergarten for us English speaking folks. 

Then we began to have someone else begin to join our family.  I had met a young girl a few years ago and she was the niece of my friend.  I ran into the young girl at a local grocery store where she was working.  She was so pleasant and polite as a cashier.  I left the store knowing she was going to come and live with us.  Yep it was that definite.  On October 28, 2012 CJ joined our family and moved in.  Jake and I love having her and she has been fun to share our lives with.  So fall was busy with school, and work.  Having a kindergartner and a grade 12 student under one house is fun and interesting all at once.  I truly now understand the role of a teen parent, aka chauffeur!!  I feel like I'm always driving and nowhere that I want to go!  It's great though and I wouldn't change our little family for all the world. 
Jake likes school and is speaking more and more french all the time.  He's a whiz at paper airplanes and no paper is safe with him around.  He took skating lessons and swimming lessons this past year; learning to do both quite well.  His kindness for others amazes me all the time.  Most recently his favorite person to play with is the little girl in his class that hurt her leg and has a cast, when I ask why, he tells me it's because she can't go play with everyone else.  Jake's knowledge of God already amazes me all the time.  I just have to share a picture of his gift to his teacher.  He decided to paint a rainbow on the board and then we put a "B" on it for his teacher's name.  The back of the board is really the treasure though.

I've asked Jacob if he wants to have other kids join our family and he tells me "a sister, like CJ."  One day maybe....
Christmas was very fun this year because we got to spoil CJ with gifts, something that I was really looking forward to.  As you can tell in the picture she was completely shocked by her gift of a camera. 

Jake was also very happy with his horse and transformers; the toy of the year for him. 
So as I reflect on this year God moved some mountains and blessed us abundantly and for that I'm thankful.  So to whomever reads my blog I hope that you too step out on a limb and ask God to move a mountain for you and have the faith that He can in fact move that mountain for you if you believe and trust. 

We've been busy.... too busy to blog even!

We've had a busy spring/summer so far, considering tomorrow is actually the first day of summer.  The first week of June we helped out at my brother and sister-in-laws fundraiser for the Stollery Hospital.  They raised $25,000.00!!!!  That is a great thing.  They did it by hosting a team roping.  My brother actually has the Stollery to thank that he can still rope even!  When he was 12 he was roping and got his thumb caught in a coil and it was cut off; he was rushed to the Stollery where they re-attached his thumb!!

Then the following weekend Jake and I packed up with Grandma and his cousins and headed to the city.  We went to see Jake's previous foster family for a lovely supper.  I wondered how Jacob would react and he saw two other kids and so was quite happy to be playing with other kids toys.  It was a great visit and I'm so glad that I made the decision to have them remain in his life for yearly visits. 

After the visit we went back to our hotel and played in the swimming pool for a few hours before bed.

Then the next morning we headed out to see Fort Edmonton Park.  What a great place for kids.  I highly recommend it as an annual place to go.  There is so much to see and do there.  Before we were even half way through my oldest niece was asking if we could come back again someday.

The pack at Fort Edmonton Park

Enjoying lunch; cinnamon buns; however had I known we would have just packed a lunch; next time!

Grandma being braver than I and going on the ferris wheel with Jaybird.

Madison and Grandma on the train that we rode twice.

Jake on the street car; we also rode that a few times; the kids loved it!

Then it was the end of school and Jake finished pre-school.  They celebrated with a party at Westcove, a lave not to far from town that has a really good park and splash park.

The pots that Jake made for his teacher and the aide in the classroom and we kept one.  Citronella plants were what we chose to plant since they keep away the mosquitos!

His class doing a song. 

Jacob and his buddy from school, Brendan....who we later in the summer found out is actually related to our cousin!  His mom's sister is married to my cousin!!  It is a small world.

Randon being Randon!

Aunty Lisa giving all the kids a ride on the tricycle at grandpa's birthday.

Then it was July!! 

Another busy month.  First we went to the Lloydminster fair.  This was the first time in 2 years that Jacob went to a fair so I wasn't sure if he would want to ride on many rides; I was wrong; he loved them and rode for 3 hours straight I think.  Then was played out and ready to go home.  

Even Aunty Lisa and Grandma got in on the fun.

Then so did Jake and I; we flew through the air.  It was fun :) 

We did a quick stop at Chris, Marlene, and Teagan's for their baptism.  For Jacob's birthday they gave him a Spiderman costume including the web hand and mask.  This is what he wore for 2 days straight before his mother said that it needed to be washed. 

Teagan got baptised.

And then so did Chris!!

Then after our trip to SK we came home for Jacob's birthday party.  This was the first time I did a "kid" birthday party for him and it was a hit.  It was a family birthday so everyone brought their brothers and sisters for the fun.  It was a beautiful sunny day so they played outside on the "new to us" play centre and went in the sprinkler.  Man it is so nice to have a big back yard; there were about 13-15 kids there as well as all the parents and everyone had room to run and play.

One of his birthday cakes.

and.. the other birthday cake that was for the kid birthday party.

He's 5!!

Everyone over in the evening for his family birthday party. 

another birthday blow out the candles picture. 

From Uncle Casey and Aunty Lisa Jake got a dummy and a rope; and from grandma and grandpa Jake got a dummy and a rope... they clearly didn't talk before but that is quite all right because now he has two different types to practise on.

Then we went to Vermillion fair; I know I was getting faired out...  This time though we went with Randon and Jaybird too.

The only ride I went on this time because I was so nauseous afterwards from the spinning!!

Then it was Jacob's actual birthday.  For his birthday I decided my gift to him would be to go on the Stettler Train ride.  There was room to go on his actual birthday so this is what we did.  We went with my friend Jen and her kidlets, and then Randon also came with us.  

I don't want to ruin the surprise so just forget that you see that the train gets robbed....

 

and then for giving money you get a bullet shell in return.  The boys thought that this was pretty cool. 

As you can tell...

and still is cool that you get a bullet shell...

The train that we rode on.

Then we had Jaybird over for a sleepover and you wouldn't believe what her request for breakfast was.... 

A fish fry from the fish we had caught the day before.  Who can argue with a breakfast like that outside on a nice day!  So that was our breakfast!

Well that was our busy summer.  After all that stuff we still had company come to see us a few times and had a few BBQ's with guests and then went camping for a week.  Now summer is winding down and I'm into getting pickles done and making some jam this weekend.  Jake starts school full time soon and we might be getting more company to stay with us; will keep you posted.  Hope everyone that reads my blog had a great summer as well!!