Single-working mother

Well this week was my first full week back to work.  I'm so glad I did the transition thing.  I have to say; I'm so tired!!!  By Thursday evening I just wanted to go to bed at 8pm!  However this wasn't just a typical go to work, go home week.  Thursday night I had a meeting/social gathering, and then Friday night I went and picked up my brother's Christmas present, which was over an hour away and then came home.  Then yesterday I did a trade fair, today I'm going to church and then going to talk to prospective foster and adoptive parents.  However in thinking about it, is there ever a typical week???  Nest weekend we are going to Lloydminster to the water park for the day and do some Christmas shopping.  Maybe the week after will be uneventful, nope Christmas party and going to get our Christmas tree out in the bush!  Well maybe the middle of January will be boring. 
On another note Jacob is stimming less and less with me!!!  He's doing it a lot some days with other people but with me it has decreased significantly.  Now if I know anything about behaviour and my child, I expected it to decrease with me first anyways.  I'm the constant and the person who he is most comfortable with, everyone else is not the constant.  So I would see the decrease first because he has reached his comfort with me again and then everyone else will see it dwindle a little bit more as time goes on. 
Geez louise do I love that little boy though and this week I missed him so much!  Friday night because I had missed him so much I thought I would have the grand idea of us having a "sleepover" in my bed.  Yeah, I won't do that for awhile again.  He tossed and turned, I tossed and turned and neither one of us had a good sleep I don't think.  Oh well, we tried!  I think I'll just take it when he comes into my room first thing in the morning and crawls into bed with me for 1/2 hour to initially wake up instead.

Jacob Tries to Skate!!

Jacob tried skating for the first time this weekend. 

He absolutely loved it, although the camera man kind of sucks so you can't see his giggles and smiles.  Definately will be trying it again very soon!

Bad/good dreams

The situation in my previous post caused me to have a dream last night I'm sure.  Last year I had a young man on my caseload who had an accident and then was put on life support and then I had to make the decision whether or not to remove the life support.  This was definitely the most stressful time of my entire working life.  I lost sleep over it and was a wreck for the entire time he was a live and for a period after his death.  He was only 24, he was a big tease and I quite enjoyed him.  What happened was he had a seizure and the way that he fell blocked his airway and when he was discovered they resuscitated him.  Then he was placed on life support.  Now I can't just decide to remove someone from life support.  I have to get a judge's approval and this of course doesn't happen lickity split.  So in the meantime a doctor asked if they could preform a tracheotomy to relieve pressure and provide more comfort to this young man.  I consented.  Biggest regret in my life.  What happened was that the young man then began to breathe on his own, due to reflex, and the ventilator was removed.  Still there was absolutely no brain activity.  So what do you do in this situation?  There is no plug to remove in this case, so to speak.  Well I relied on the professionals.  After knowing what I know now, I should have never consented to the trachea because then there would have been a plug to remove and the death would have been a lot quicker.  What happened was the young man starved to death.  He was given pain medication but no nutritional IV.  It took approximately a month for him to pass away.  I did go and see him in this state.  I felt I had to because of the decisions I had made lead him to this spot.  I had and still have an immense amount of guilt around this guys life and death.  I know that I made decisions based on what the professionals told me to do, however I don't know that I would do it the same way again, no I know I wouldn't.  Based on this experience my personal directive states I will not consent to resuscitation, or tracheotomy, or any plug being put in. TV glamorizes death when you take a person off of life support, it doesn't always happen in moments, sometimes it takes days or weeks for the person to pass away. 
Well last night I dreamt about the young man.  In my dream he started off in the bed, dying, and by the end of the dream he had recuperated and was full of life again.  The dream ended like I wish his life would have.  It doesn't get rid of my guilt, but I hope now that he is in peace and no longer in pain.

What would you do?

I was at a long term care facility yesterday and doing some business.  I noticed a person who looked a lot younger than the rest of the residents laying in a bed.  I have a very good relationship with the lodge manager and asked what the story was.  The manager told me how the person had been 42, parent, very involved in their children's lives, very involved in the community and church and then they started to getting depressed.  IT got worse and worse and so they were admitted to a psych unit in a large hospital.  While there they were in a counselling session and then excused themselves and went to their room and hung themselves.  They were discovered and cut down, however the damage was done and there is sever brain injury and now they are in a vegetative state.  They have been like this for 9 years now.  So my question relates to the spouse left.  The spouse has attempted to date other people and move on with life however they feel that they are in limbo because their spouse is still alive.  Would you move on or would you feel tied to your spouse because technically they are still alive?  How sad for the children left as well.  It is just an absolute unfortunate circumstance.  I honestly don't know what I would do. 

Fireproof

I heard about this movie "fireproof" a long time ago but never had any interest in watching it since all I heard about it was that it was really good for married couples to watch.  Well I'm a single, not a couple so I figured why bother.  Now I'm not a bitter single person who refuses to be happy for anyone in my life that is a couple, I attended all their weddings and am truly happy for each and everyone of them, I just haven't gotten there yet so I thought this movie wouldn't apply to me. Well tonight there was nothing on tv that interested me and I'm usually not a movie person but I thought why not?  Actually I was going to watch Passion of the Christ again but then came across Fireproof in my collection and so figured I'd give it a whirl.
Well within the first 1/2 hour I was crying, tears streaming down my cheeks and wondering why it took me so long to watch the movie in the first place. 
So to backup a little bit I've changed my list for a desired man/partner.  The first and most important thing, he has a relationship with God.  I won't date a non-Christian, just won't do it and it won't work.  God is a huge part of my life, I wake up and the third thing I do in the morning is read my bible, we pray at all meals, I talk a lot about God and how He is in my life each and every day.  He's in it, my partner has to have that too.  I'm a firm believer in a marriage takes 3, and Jacob isn't going to be in bed with us everynight, so he's not the third.  So, with that said I have started to pray about a husband, a father figure for Jacob, an equal.  Some may find this odd but it hasn't been something that I have often prayed for in my life.  I always thought that it was so selfish and that instead I should be praying for others, don't get me wrong others do need prayer and I still need to pray for them but I can pray for me too sometimes.  Well this morning before I read my bible I actually did pray about a husband.  I know it is in God's time and I finally do get that God isn't going to "show" me what kind of man I should be with, He'll just plunk him down right in front of me and say "Here's that husband you've been praying and wondering about."  Well not really like that but it will be obvious, no guessing games, no wondering, it will just be.
Okay with that said though, no I haven't met that person and I don't have any leads or anything, just realizations that it will be when it will be.
Okay, back to the movie, enough about my nonexistent love life.  The movie really was great for couples, just a reminder that if you fall in love once it is possible to do it again.  I have always believed this.  I can vouch for it.  My mom and dad almost were divorced when I was about 5.  My mom fell out of love with my dad.  However she knew she had loved him once and she knew she wanted to love him again.  36 years later they are eachother's best friends and equals.  They are Johnny and June (If you know what I'm talking about).  A friend a few months ago was talking about my parents and she didn't want to upset me but she said she thought they were the type that one would pass away and then shortly the other would too.  She didn't want to say it at first and then I said it.  I think I've known this for a very long time and although when the time comes it will be hard but I hope I will understand that the person left behind passed because of a broken heart.  Okay, all sappy now, time to move on.
The movie, even though it was primarily about a marriage it had so many things about it that were good for anyone single or couple to watch, it was just a really good movie.  I did laugh out loud in it too so it isn't just a tear jerker. 
So if I haven't rambled on too long and bored you to death go and watch it and tell me what you think.
Hey my brother Cory even watched it before me and if I remember correctly he did enjoy it.

Jacob get's crafty!

Jacob had been going to nursery at church and then when he turned 3 he had the opportunity to go to a group called alpha-bits.  They do a craft, listen to a story, have a snack and watch a DVD in it.  I wasn't sure about his ability to follow the rest of the class and so wasn't going to send him until October, well now.  I spoke to another leader of alpha-bits and she encouraged me to send Jacob and see how it went.  Well the first time he just kind of played while everyone else did a craft and participated in everything.  The next time he colored a page and then played for the rest of the time.  The third time he sat and did the craft, listened to the story, had the snack, watched the DVD and then played.  Now it is a regular occurrence for him to do everything that the other kids are doing!  Here I was worried he couldn't/wouldn't keep up and although he doesn't participate vocally in the class, answering questions and such, he does everything that everyone else does now.  Here I would have been the one holding him back, he was ready.  This was a little learning experience for me, always try.  If  you don't try you'll never know!

Here are a few pictures of some of the crafts he has done.  One is a dusting mitt, the other is something to hold all the "gift certificates" he made.

Trauma

I've finally learned and accepted how much my poor little boy has had in his life.  I knew that he had but I don't think that I thoroughly understood the extent of the trauma he has had in his short little life until this week. 
Jacob had regressed with all of the changes that have occurred within the last month and a half.  I however only thought it was since I went back to work until I really sat and thought about it.
When he came home he did a self-stimulatory behaviour.  He had a couple actually.  He vocalized a lot, in high pitches and it was almost a screaming thing.  His movements were fluttering around and then flopping his upper body backwards on a couch, and he did quieter vocalizations to himself.  He acted very similar to a child who has autism, well in my experience anyways.  All of these behaviours slowly stopped and went away.  Lots of redirection and engaging him in his surroundings I think was what helped him to stop.  Now when I met him he did these things and I just thought that it was part of who he was.  I remember talking to the former foster mom, just prior to respite placement, and she said he didn't do those things.  So I thought that maybe he picked it up at the respite home from the other kids (even though no one really did those things). 
Well this past week he has been doing the body movements and vocalizations to himself A LOT.....  now when I say a lot I mean anytime I am not engaging him and paying full attention to him he is doing one or the other or both together.  Thankfully not the squealing/screaming.  It became so bad that at one point during breakfast I banged my hand on the table to get his attention.  I didn't do it in anger but rather to get his attention.  I have yet to get angry about all of this. 
Monday was a bad day for me.  I was so upset about him acting like this.  I didn't know why he was doing it and I felt at a loss.  It didn't help that I was pmsing and I get super emotional during that hormonal time.  Anyways I felt so frustrated that I dug out his assessment and called the contact person who always so politely says at the bottom of the last assessment page "please call should you have any future concerns or to discuss the findings of this assessment."  I explained what was going on.  The lovely woman on the other end was wonderful to talk to and confirmed my thoughts that it was his way of coping through all the changes.  She also recommended I get in contact with this program http://www.casaservices.org/ .  I went on their website right away and then called.  Again, another lovely lady, again thoughts that it was probably related to coping through change. 
Now with all this said, the behaviours have definitely decreased significantly within the past few days.  So going from self-stimming most of the time and needing constant redirection I only had to redirect maybe 5-10 times tonight.  The intensity has also decreased significantly, it doesn't take me 4 times of calling his name and banging my hand on the table to get his attention.
However I tried to figure out how did it get this bad without me noticing?  When did it start again, how come I didn't notice and do something sooner, is it going to happen again, every time there is change?
So I got the paperwork from CASA and was filling it out.  I came to the question: Pediatrician and physician?
It hit me.  It began when I stopped watching the kids.  It wasn't bad though, maybe 3 or 4 times a day, then progressively more and more.  I remember when he got sick and we went to the doctor's office I mentioned that he had been talking to himself and making sounds, at the time though it was mostly words, now it's just sounds.  Dr told me to watch it and maybe contact his pediatrician.  I didn't think about it again; I feel guilt now about it.
So lost the kids, then I started taking him to the sitters every once in a while, then I went to work, then I went away for 3 days.  No wonder he regressed back into his own little comfortable world of doing what soothed him.  Man do I feel guilty.  It took this for me to realize that this little boy whom I love with all my heart has had more change and trauma from the change in his 3 short years than I have ever had to cope with in 30.  I feel guilty for not telling him more about what was going on, thinking that he didn't understand, I feel guilty for not reassuring him I would never leave him.  I feel guilt for thinking way back when that this was just who he was and not realizing that this was his way of coping with change and loss, I feel guilt, boy do I feel guilt.
So where from here?
Well I've made the referral to CASA, even though by the time we get an appointment I'm sure the behaviour will disappear, we're still going to go.  Change will happen throughout his life and I need to know how to help him deal with the change and make the transitions as easy as possible on him so that he feels secure and somewhat in control of his life.
I remember saying that when I was going through the process of "desired child" and I kept saying that I didn't want to have to advocate when I came home.  I wanted to have a child that was "normal as possible".  I think of that statement now and realize how utterly stupid that comment was.  Of course I will advocate for everything my child needs, dumb, dumb, dumb.  They say that parenting is a learning experience and in my short parenting life I've learned a lot.  There is no such thing as "normal" child, I would call whomever, go wherever, and pay anything to make sure that Jacob got everything that he needs in life to help him in any and every way possible.
My question though is why the heck did children services not mention this wonderful resource to me prior to adoption???? Or to every single parent that adopts a child, like HELLOOOOOOO, moving from family to family is huge change and trauma and parents are just supposed to cope and deal with kids who are having difficulty?
Well I'm doing a talk to prospective adoptive and foster families on November 21st, you can bet I will be telling them about this resource and encouraging them to access it.