This isn't what I had in mind....

I drove 9 hours to a place I've never been before all by myself to adopt a baby knowing in my heart that I wasn't going to.  Some who read this might think, "what? why did she bother?  Why did she seem so sure that she was going to get him."  I never was, I'm just a good actress sometimes.  You see if I told you to your face that I was going to lose would you have been supportive of me doing it?  Nope.  You would have thought I'm crazy.  But I have to tell those who are reading this that I had to do it.  I was following what I was supposed to do.  I was brought into this crazy situation for a reason and it wasn't to adopt a baby but to be an advocate for a couple of people that have no one to listen to them.  My challenge is to bring together some people and all have them agree what is best for this baby.  And that is remaining exactly where he is, still having the ability to see his biological parents once a week and having access to see his extended family when they chose.  Not with me and far away from all but one family member.  Am I giving up?  No, I was never really trying, just doing what people perceived I was doing.  I was fighting for a baby; what people didn't realize was the different options I was fighting for.  Being with me was only one of the options.  I know I'm rambling and probably not making a lot of sense but the long and the short of it is that I know God didn't want me to have this baby.  He just wanted to make sure I helped ease the situation a bit.  And that is just fine by me.