Saturday, September 10, 2011

Time Stop: no wait go faster; no stop.......

Jacob starts pre-school on Monday!  I thought I was ready for it until now all of a sudden I realize how fast he is growing and how quickly time is going by.  Life is funny because on one aspect I so want life to slow right down and savor each moment.  I love being around Jacob; don't get me wrong there are times when I like to be alone.  However whenever I'm off work early or can spend time with him I choose to rather than being alone.  I was alone for a long time and I've had enough of it.  I want to be with my son.  I enjoy being with him and spending any and all free time with him.  Yet still I wish I had more time.  Do other parents feel like this?  Over September long weekend I was away from him for 2 nights; this is the first time I can remember being away from him just because, not because I had something else to do.  So for one whole day I sat at home by myself.  I can't say that I really enjoyed it that much and maybe that's why when I can be with him I want him around me.  I have no problems just he and doing something together and not having another adults company; he's great company.
So pre-school.  Jacob is going to school 4 afternoons a week and taking the bus one way.  He seems so little but so big all at the same time.  He's starting to be quite the little independent man; wanting to do more and more for himself, by himself.  The latest thing is he will ask me what something is and then tell me I'm wrong and what it actually is.  Example; he's watching Land Before Time right now and they showed the sun up close so it's a ball of fire.  He asks what that is and I explain it's the sun and the sun is a ball of fire; his response, "no, that's just fire, not the sun."  I've started to just ask him back what things are instead and see what he figures out.  And tease....  he loves teasing and will say to me, "I'm just teasing you" with a big grin on his face.  STOP!  I want all of this time to just stand still and savor it.  So I'm trying to be more and more thankful for the right now and not try to rush tomorrow.  In other parts of my life I'm totally trying to speed things up.  Work has changed and I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be there anymore so I've started exploring a bit but once you get accustomed to a certain pay grid and position it is a bit difficult to go down.  I feel a wee bit trapped in this little town because I don't know what I could do or where I could go.  I want time to speed up simply because my plan is to finish my degree, get my master's and open up my own counselling practise.  Specializing in working with folks with cognitive difficulties.  I really enjoy people with limited cognitive functioning and finding a counsellor for them is really difficult, so really it's an untapped market.  So hurry time.  Then of course there's the never ending saga of my love life.  I wish sometimes I could wake up 8 years down the road to children bouncing on my bed and my husband groggily asking if I'm going to make coffee.  Then of course reality sinks in and I think, "what if in 8 years I'm still not any closer to being Mrs....."  So this one I'm at a toss up, hurry up or enjoy right now.  I think I want time to hurry up in that department because I want to be at a different place in life but then I wonder if life will be that much different.  Maybe I won't be my own boss as a counsellor, maybe there won't be a bunch of kids and only a 12 year old, and how do I feel about all that.  I should be very happy and feel blessed I know but I wonder if I feel that way.  I've always had the "dream" of what life would be like "when".  Then I've started realizing life is right now.  This is it.  DO I wish it were going faster or do I slow down and enjoy it right now and what I have right now.  I am a dreamer, have always been that way but sometimes I do wish I could turn the dreams off and appreciate the moment more right now. 

1 comment:

CGM said...

One thing I've learned is that the dream of life we had doesn't always turn into the life we have. But we shouldn't stop dreaming...