Monday, July 22, 2013

The Little Girl Who Didn't Like Hugs

I'm writing right now so that I am away and busy.  Right now the littlest one is screaming at the top of her lungs and if I'm near her I get angry so I'm in a time out.  This is by no means the first yelling and screaming we've had in our house in the last month or so.  It happens almost every second day if not daily.  Right now I have a summer cold that has lead into an eye infection and really sore throat so to add that on to it I'm just not a happy camper right now and feel like kicking yelling and screaming as well, but it doesn't seem to help the matter at all so instead I write.
I keep hearing that "she's a typical girl".  I completely 1000% disagree.  I never recall my parents telling me that I acted like this when I was her age.  I've seen other little girls that are not as defiant as she.  Each child of course is different but my number 1 rule in parenting is......What kind of adult do you want to raise?  I want to be the parent of a respectful, likable, contributing adult.  Right now unfortunately we are on the path of disrespectful, kick and scream, demand to get my own way road....  So I give myself time outs.  Don't worry she gets her fair share too but right now I can't be around her.  I don't like her so I don't want to be around her.  I know, I'm a horrible parent.  I'm sure people are thinking twice about me now when in the past they may have said I was a good parent.  I'm honest, and right now this little girl who I'm still learning to love is driving me a little nuts.  I wish that adoption was this fairy tale that the minute you see the child you are adamantly in love and bursting.  I wasn't this time around.  So when people ask me how it's going I was lying until a couple days ago.  Now I tell the truth.  It's a struggle.  I'm having a hard time parenting the youngest.  It isn't a combination of the two, its one that the social worker told me "is a spoiled brat who has gotten away with everything up until this point.  Think of her as a strong willed horse that once you have put in their place is the best horse you could ever hope for."  So one day in the future she will be my lovable little girl that people will enjoy being around and remark that she's a great kid.  That's what I'm aiming for.  Then there is the addition of not wanting to favor one child over the other; I've seen that and it ruins sibling relationships so that once they are adults they don't even speak to each other.  
It's silent right now.  She's stopped screaming.  My dad asked once how long she will scream like that.  Today was 1 hour and 25 mins.  Another day it was an hour and a half.  Other parents tell me I have to win the battle.  It's not a battle.  I run a dictatorship.  I'm the boss and that's just the way it is.  It's kind of like the God/Satan relationship.  I'm not comparing myself to God by no means but everyone thinks that there is this battle going on.  There isn't.  God created Satan and then Satan disobeyed and he kicked Satan out and now Satan is just always ticked off.  See there is no battle; I'm the one who comes out on top every time because I'm the parent.