Sunday, October 2, 2011

I've wondered how many people look at me and think that I'm very career focused based on where I've been and what I've done.  The truth is actually that I would walk away from my career and all the accomplishments in a heartbeat to be a full time mom/wife.  I do appreciate where I am now don't get me wrong but it isn't where I really want to be; it's where I am.  I find myself at another spot when I have a choice of staying where I am or pursuing a goal and going for the gusto in regards to my career.  I wasn't actually going to even apply for the position.  It is a management position within our department and there are only 5 in the entire province so to hold this position really is quite a feat and I acknowledge that.  I have to say though that if I were to read the ad for this position and then read an ad for the position of a wife and mother I would  much rather apply for the latter position.  Not so right now though.  Funny; this is the first time I've been in a relationship where I've made it blatantly clear that my goal is not to work forever or even for the next 10 years with my significant other right now.  When I discussed applying for this position with him he said, "well do whatever it is you want to do."  To which I responded, "I don't want to be working is what I would like to do but that isn't a choice I have right now so I work because I have to."  So I'm pretty sure he gets the picture that I don't want to be a working mom forever.  Now of course I am going to be negotiable about this factor.  My biggest hesitation of the whole "moving up the ladder" issue really is that you get used to a financial comfort level and, I don't mean to brag here but no matter how I say it is going to come out bad, I make darn good money for a woman in this community.  This has definitely allowed me some level of comfort, as well I've been able to pay some bills down much quicker than I would have had I stayed in other positions.  Lord help those that are reading this because I know I'm rambling and jumping topics.  My jeep is going to be paid of in January and then my aim is for a few things; one buy a quad for Jacob and I, and two pay off my student loans ASAP.  I will then be debt free.  Yes I will save for a down payment on a house but I keep thinking that's a silly thing to do simply because I'm going to get married and he has a house.  NO we are not engaged, but I know we will end up married.  So for me to buy a house and then have to turn around and sell it doesn't make sense.  Plus anything that I really like has been on the market for so long that I would be scared about the re-sale of it in a year or two when I was ready to sell it.  So I guess I need to just put money away anyways for savings for whatever; oh I know, maybe a wedding!  Okay, back to the job.  I did apply and I have an interview Tuesday morning.  I'm not worried and actually I don't even think I will be successful but there may be two positions available.  This is going to be confusing so bare with me.  Whenever there is a management position available they offer 2-6 month secondment positions and then at the end of the year the position goes to open competition and you apply for the job permanently.  SO right now there is one 6 month position available.  I don't think that I have a big chance in getting it, but we'll see.  I do know that I'm a bit bored in my current position and I have been looking for other opportunities and challenges so this may be my answer.  In all honesty I actually hope that I get the second position, not the first.  I'm trying to finish my degree and I'm 2 courses away, currently in one so if I buckled down I could finish by the time I was able to do the position and so I don't think I'd be as stressed.  Then there is also my personal life.  I feel like a juggler sometimes.  I wish we could have 28hr days.  In the fall I'm on the road a lot; every fall it seems like this.  Then I'm doing schoolwork, Jacob has BG club one night a week; I'd like to be part of an adult bible study because I've done it in the past, oh, and the poor man in my life; I told him he's my Saturday night guy so if he's busy on a Saturday night we don't see each other but every few weeks.  Oh how I wish I had a nanny!  Not because I want someone else to parent Jacob but because I would like for him to be in his own home more and my house cleaned!  Because somehow I still need to get laundry done; dishes washed and vacuuming done in the week as well.  Hence the reason I rarely ever blog anymore.  I told a close friend that I would gladly walk away from my career to be a stay at home mom.  He told me that I'd be bored.  To which I said, if I was bored, I'd sit on a board!  You can still be involved and make a difference to the community without working in it.  That's what I'd do.  Aaah, if I could just find that wand to make my life how I would like it to be.  Until then I will work and do the best job I can at it and if that includes continuing to move up the ladder, I'm ready to take the next step. 

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