My dog.

This is my dog Gracie.  I've had her since she was a puppy, almost 11  years.  I have always had the attitude that a dog is a dog is a dog is a dog.  They are animals, not family.  That is until you have to make a tough decision.  Gracie has always been a dominant dog.  She's territorial.  She perceives that all space is hers.  She always has, for as much as I think I'm the dominant in the house, and I am, she thinks she is 2nd in command.  I knew that she and any child would be a challenge.  Jacob doesn't really engage with her, he likes Gertie and will play with her but Gracie he pretty much leaves alone.  So over the past 11 months there have been 3 incidents.  Once Jacob did go in her space; she was hiding under the picnic table and he crawled under, she snapped didn't bite.  Then another time she snapped again, this time though she was on the couch, totally not her space, and he crawled up, she perceived it as her own and snapped, this time though she got the tip of his ear.  I consoled him made sure that he was fine then when he wasn't in the area dealt with her.  She's been outside ever since.  She comes in at night to eat and sleep but either than that she's out.  She does have a thick coat and shelter so she's fine out there.  I am at a loss of what to do though.  Does she become an outside dog now and that is how I deal with it, do I put her down, do I try to find someone who will take her?  I've emailed two trainers to ask them for suggestions or see if they would think she can be rehabilitated.  My dream is that we buy an acreage and then she can be an outside dog all the time with a doggy door to the garage.  This way she has warm shelter whenever she wants and all the open space she would like.  She doesn't go after Jacob, for the most part she ignores him as much as he ignores her, we only run into an issue when she thinks its her space and he's in it.  Ugh, I hate this decision.

Christmas and all the hype

I keep getting asked; "is Jacob excited for Christmas/Santa?"  I feel awkward whenever anyone asks because I really haven't made a big hype about it.  I haven't been telling him that Santa is coming soon everyday, in fact we don't even have a chocolate advent calendar.  We do have a sticker advent calendar that counts down until the birth of baby Jesus.  I've been trying to instill that message more so than the Santa and present message.  I'm doing it not just because its a belief of mine but also because I hear people say that Christmas has become too commercialized yet it is these same people that talk about all the presents that they have bought for their kids.  Don't get me wrong, Jacob is getting two presents from Santa and a stocking but the rest is from me, mom. 
We have done things in the spirit of Christmas but its about the giving.  We did a Christmas box for a teen boy overseas.  We went and enjoyed festival of hope where you got to do crafts and wagon rides and yes, sit on Santa.  We made a gingerbread house together.  We went with another family and cut down a Christmas tree.  We went carolling this week in the community.  We really did do family things together and not just talk about Santa and the presents.  Jacob is starting to say more and more, "baby Jesus" when asked who's birthday it is on Christmas instead of "ho ho ho".  The values and traditions are what I want to instill in my family, not the presents.  
So is Jacob excited about Santa?  I don't think so, does he appreciate all of the family things we've done to celebrate the season, I think so, and that to me is more important.

Jacob is Joseph!

Jacob was Joseph in the little Christmas stage today.  It was pretty cute, the kid with no dad plays dad!  I only make this comment because one of the other kids asked, where's Jacob's dad? and parents always looked like they are in pain when they wonder what to say about this.  I'm straight to the point and honest, Jacob doesn't have a dad.  He never really has, he's had poppa's and that is just okay with us!

Single-working mother

Well this week was my first full week back to work.  I'm so glad I did the transition thing.  I have to say; I'm so tired!!!  By Thursday evening I just wanted to go to bed at 8pm!  However this wasn't just a typical go to work, go home week.  Thursday night I had a meeting/social gathering, and then Friday night I went and picked up my brother's Christmas present, which was over an hour away and then came home.  Then yesterday I did a trade fair, today I'm going to church and then going to talk to prospective foster and adoptive parents.  However in thinking about it, is there ever a typical week???  Nest weekend we are going to Lloydminster to the water park for the day and do some Christmas shopping.  Maybe the week after will be uneventful, nope Christmas party and going to get our Christmas tree out in the bush!  Well maybe the middle of January will be boring. 
On another note Jacob is stimming less and less with me!!!  He's doing it a lot some days with other people but with me it has decreased significantly.  Now if I know anything about behaviour and my child, I expected it to decrease with me first anyways.  I'm the constant and the person who he is most comfortable with, everyone else is not the constant.  So I would see the decrease first because he has reached his comfort with me again and then everyone else will see it dwindle a little bit more as time goes on. 
Geez louise do I love that little boy though and this week I missed him so much!  Friday night because I had missed him so much I thought I would have the grand idea of us having a "sleepover" in my bed.  Yeah, I won't do that for awhile again.  He tossed and turned, I tossed and turned and neither one of us had a good sleep I don't think.  Oh well, we tried!  I think I'll just take it when he comes into my room first thing in the morning and crawls into bed with me for 1/2 hour to initially wake up instead.

Jacob Tries to Skate!!

Jacob tried skating for the first time this weekend. 

He absolutely loved it, although the camera man kind of sucks so you can't see his giggles and smiles.  Definately will be trying it again very soon!

Bad/good dreams

The situation in my previous post caused me to have a dream last night I'm sure.  Last year I had a young man on my caseload who had an accident and then was put on life support and then I had to make the decision whether or not to remove the life support.  This was definitely the most stressful time of my entire working life.  I lost sleep over it and was a wreck for the entire time he was a live and for a period after his death.  He was only 24, he was a big tease and I quite enjoyed him.  What happened was he had a seizure and the way that he fell blocked his airway and when he was discovered they resuscitated him.  Then he was placed on life support.  Now I can't just decide to remove someone from life support.  I have to get a judge's approval and this of course doesn't happen lickity split.  So in the meantime a doctor asked if they could preform a tracheotomy to relieve pressure and provide more comfort to this young man.  I consented.  Biggest regret in my life.  What happened was that the young man then began to breathe on his own, due to reflex, and the ventilator was removed.  Still there was absolutely no brain activity.  So what do you do in this situation?  There is no plug to remove in this case, so to speak.  Well I relied on the professionals.  After knowing what I know now, I should have never consented to the trachea because then there would have been a plug to remove and the death would have been a lot quicker.  What happened was the young man starved to death.  He was given pain medication but no nutritional IV.  It took approximately a month for him to pass away.  I did go and see him in this state.  I felt I had to because of the decisions I had made lead him to this spot.  I had and still have an immense amount of guilt around this guys life and death.  I know that I made decisions based on what the professionals told me to do, however I don't know that I would do it the same way again, no I know I wouldn't.  Based on this experience my personal directive states I will not consent to resuscitation, or tracheotomy, or any plug being put in. TV glamorizes death when you take a person off of life support, it doesn't always happen in moments, sometimes it takes days or weeks for the person to pass away. 
Well last night I dreamt about the young man.  In my dream he started off in the bed, dying, and by the end of the dream he had recuperated and was full of life again.  The dream ended like I wish his life would have.  It doesn't get rid of my guilt, but I hope now that he is in peace and no longer in pain.

What would you do?

I was at a long term care facility yesterday and doing some business.  I noticed a person who looked a lot younger than the rest of the residents laying in a bed.  I have a very good relationship with the lodge manager and asked what the story was.  The manager told me how the person had been 42, parent, very involved in their children's lives, very involved in the community and church and then they started to getting depressed.  IT got worse and worse and so they were admitted to a psych unit in a large hospital.  While there they were in a counselling session and then excused themselves and went to their room and hung themselves.  They were discovered and cut down, however the damage was done and there is sever brain injury and now they are in a vegetative state.  They have been like this for 9 years now.  So my question relates to the spouse left.  The spouse has attempted to date other people and move on with life however they feel that they are in limbo because their spouse is still alive.  Would you move on or would you feel tied to your spouse because technically they are still alive?  How sad for the children left as well.  It is just an absolute unfortunate circumstance.  I honestly don't know what I would do.