Saturday, April 10, 2010
Changes and growth; a double edged sword
A few weeks after Jacob came home we had gone to a friends that have a little guy that is 3. The first encounter of these two went well; but Jacob played by himself mostly. The other littly guy would try and get Jacob to play with him and it would last for a few minutes and then Jacob would go back to playing by himself. I know that being able to play by yourself is a great skill but parts of me really wanted him to interact with other children his age. Tonight, 2 months later Jacob and the little guy spent all night playing together. They even were crawling over and tickling the other little guys dad. There has been so much growth in a mere 2 months. I'm amazed at how fast he learns and changes, but the downside is that he is growing so fast. A month ago I was wanting him to stop the screaming and squealing and now it has been a couple of weeks that he hasn't done it at all and I realize how quickly he grows. I'm so happy for his growth and development but there is 0.00001% of me that also realizes how much I missed out on. I know that I have him in my life forever now but I did miss out on 2-1/2 years and although I am so blessed to have pictures and contact with those who loved him in his life during that time, I still wasn't there. I'm also dreading going back to work. I don't go until middle of October but still I'm already dreading being away from him and missing out on things. I know that many parents feel this same way and I will work through the dread; or somehow become a hippy who just lives off the land and does crafts all day and sells them to survive so I won't have to have scheduled work. Not likely to happen, but one can hope. I had coffee with the pastor and his wife this week, and it was more of a social visit than a "pastor-religious" visit. We talked about my dread though and he was quick to say I should pray about it and the decision to return to work. So I will. I will pray that someway, somehow work, will work itself out and I will find a way to meet Jacob and my needs; not only financially but emotionally too.