Saturday, May 22, 2010

Judgement - my struggle

We went to a single mother's camp this weekend.  It was out at a lake only 15 minutes from town and my church sponsors the camp.  It was great, and is still great I'm sure; we came home early.
Jacob had no accidents at all, he even pooped on the toilet this morning!  He was great all weekend.  I however was not so great.  Have you ever seen one of those parents that only seems annoyed with their kid all the time?  I never want to be that mom.  So then I feel like I'm not disciplining to what other people can see or how they would discipline and then I feel like they are judging me.  There were other moms there, some with young children and some with teens.  I know that it is absolutely in my head but I felt like I was being judged as a parent.  So here's the scenario.  It was 5pm, Jacob and I were outside in the sand playing when we got told it was supper.  SO as per usual Jacob says "hungry, hungry, hungry" and I say "hungry as a bear, lets go eat".  At home this is immediate, supper or meal is then served.  Unfortunately though supper wasn't actually ready for another 20 minutes and so he's hungry, I'm trying to keep him out of the kitchen, he's annoyed and hungry now, then it is supper and he's so worked up he doesn't want to eat and he wants up, down, on my lap, off my lap, down, etc.  I finally leave him go play and he's still upset so after about 5 minutes I think, "we don't need to eat here, let's go eat outside where there isn't all these other people and distraction, and where I don't feel like eyes are looking at me saying "do something with your kid already!"  So that's what we do, and sure enough he eats 3/4 of his meal, his desert and half of my desert.  Then it was quiet time and then chapel.  All he wanted to do was go outside and play, however I wanted him to be the perfect child and come to chapel and just be good.  That was not in the cards.  He wasn't happy doing anything, so it was distract, play, upset, distract, play, upset, distract....... Finally I got it, let's just go home.  He's had a long and very busy day, he isn't used to so many people, he isn't in his environment, he isn't used to the bed, he isn't used to sleeping with other people in his space, he just isn't used to camp.  So then as soon as I said "let's go home"  he said "home?" and went running to get into the jeep.  He was happy as a clam all the way home.  I cried all the way home.  I struggle with judgement.  I feel like I am judged as a parent to him when he isn't being perfect and I overthink this.  I know he isn't perfect, I'm not, no one is.  I love him to death and he's my son through and through, I just struggle with me as a parent.  I feel bad that I made him suffer through my stupidity of pushing too much at him today.  I feel bad that I think he can handle crowds when only 4 months ago he barely left his home.  I just feel bad sometimes that I don't pick up on his cues.  So if any of my blog readers pray would  you mind adding me to your list every once in awhile that I would have more patience with myself.  God chose Jacob for me, he gave me the perfect son to me, and it is a gift, I sometimes don't feel like the perfect mom for him though and this is the judgement that I struggle with . 
So our day ended with us watching Ice Age together, eating popcorn and then him falling asleep in my arms.  It was a perfect day, I just need to convince myself of that sometimes.

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