Motivation - or lack there of

I have been pretty on top of keeping up with the house until this week.  I seem to have so little motivation.  I think I'm still on Saskatchewan attitude - "it'll get done when it gets done".  Whenever I go to SK I'm so relaxed and laid back.  I came home and am still in that mode.  If I do nothing else today the only thing I need to do is at least put the laundry away.  It's all folded and I just shuffle it around?!  Silly I think but my brain also seems to think it will just miraculously be put away.  Okay enough writing and computer time, I'm going to get it done!

Confusing Creatures

I was thinking about all my female friends vs my one close male friend and the different interpretations of a relationship they each had. 

Okay finally I will admit it; women are confusing.  I think both men and women are equally confusing but this past week I think women win for the week of confusing me. 

So my beau and I have been seeing eachother since mid-january.  Everything is going great, with the exception of me every once in awhile having a panic attack about what I "won't" get in life.  I tend to think of the "won't" more than the "gain" at times.  Last week was a won't week.  Well in talking to my female friends I kept hearing "don't jump to thinking about marriage and future, just worry about the now" and then also "don't listen to negative people, just think positive, if things are going well then don't worry".  Well if I'm supposed to think positive and think that this will work out then isn't the end result going to be that I will possibly marry him and yet I'm not supposed to think about that?!  I'm confused!  

The "other" man in my life, my good friend Chris, he just tells me I overthink everything and that has always been his consistent advice, I overthink.  I'm not confused by that, he isn't telling me what to think or what not to think, just don't think.  Is this how men work?  They don't think?!

So the end result of last week was........ that I was overthinking.  I woke up in the middle of the night amidst all my worrying and realized I always have two options.  To dread, or to appreciate.  Typically I think I'm an appreciater so I put the "won't" away and am now thinking of what I will gain.  End result, Chris was right, I was over thinking.  I won't ever tell him that he was right though, that would just go to his head that he was actually right about giving relationship advice for once.

I have two dogs; a ten year old cocker spaniel and a 5 year old toy poodle-shitzu.  I've had both since they were puppies and have always thought that they would die with me.  I took on the dogs thinking that it is a lifetime (theirs) commitment.  Well now I find myself in a predicament.  Gracie, the cocker is older and set in her ways and is not so pleasant with Jacob.  She hasn't bit him or even snapped but there has been a growl.  She is outside most of the time and when out there she is fine with him.  It's when we are in the house, she figures that this is her territory and she's stubborn about it.  If she's laying at my feet she will not move and instead Jacob will walk all the way around her.  She has a bed and could go and lie in it and he would be no where near her but she refuses.  A friend did offer to take her because her husband really likes cocker spaniels and likes Gracie.  I had never thought of seperating my two dogs until this offer came about.  See the little one, Gertie, quite likes Jacob, she tries to give him kisses and Jacob will pet her nicely and she puts up with him learning to pet "nicely".  She has never offered to growl or snap or anything.  So my own guilt of "giving up" on Gracie is really what is holding me back from giving her to my friends.  There are so many positives of giving her to them though, for all parties involved.  She can stay in their garage if they don't want her to be a house dog, here she is kenneled in my tiny kitchen, they have a bigger backyard that is fully fenced and she wouldn't see anyone to bark at, like she does here; the husband would pay so much more attention to her than I would, am.  So I think very shortly I will be getting over my guilt and she will be finding a new, happier home!

Changes and growth; a double edged sword

A few weeks after Jacob came home we had gone to a friends that have a little guy that is 3.  The first encounter of these two went well; but Jacob played by himself mostly.  The other littly guy would try and get Jacob to play with him and it would last for a few minutes and then Jacob would go back to playing by himself.  I know that being able to play by yourself is a great skill but parts of me really wanted him to interact with other children his age.  Tonight, 2 months later Jacob and the little guy spent all night playing together.  They even were crawling over and tickling the other little guys dad.  There has been so much growth in a mere 2 months.  I'm amazed at how fast he learns and changes, but the downside is that he is growing so fast.  A month ago I was wanting him to stop the screaming and squealing and now it has been a couple of weeks that he hasn't done it at all and I realize how quickly he grows.  I'm so happy for his growth and development but there is  0.00001% of me that also realizes how much I missed out on.  I know that I have him in my life forever now but I did miss out on 2-1/2 years and although I am so blessed to have pictures and contact with those who loved him in his life during that time, I still wasn't there.  I'm also dreading going back to work.  I don't go until middle of October but still I'm already dreading being away from him and missing out on things.  I know that many parents feel this same way and I will work through the dread; or somehow become a hippy who just lives off the land and does crafts all day and sells them to survive so I won't have to have scheduled work.  Not likely to happen, but one can hope.  I had coffee with the pastor and his wife this week, and it was more of a social visit than a "pastor-religious" visit.  We talked about my dread though and he was quick to say I should pray about it and the decision to return to work.  So I will.  I will pray that someway, somehow work, will work itself out and I will find a way to meet Jacob and my needs; not only financially but emotionally too.

Funny how communication works

I had kind of thought I would be single for a long time and I was okay with this.  I had gone into the adoption process as a single person and wanted to kind of keep it that way until the end.  I didn't want to delay the process or get someone else involved until I knew that they were going to be in my life permanently too.  Well wierd how life works.  In early January a friend asked me out for supper.  I didn't know if it was a date or just friends.  Well it turns out that it was a date and we've been dating ever since.  We're taking it slow though and I'm very happy about that.  So many people ask what's going on with us and honestly, we are becoming good friends first and then going from there.  I was being old fashioned and waiting for him to make "a move" and since it had been 3 months now that we had been seeing eachother I finally became a woman of the 21st century and was forward.  I just asked "what's going on with us?"  the answer was that he had also been meaning to talk to me but obviously is a little more chicken than I.  So we talked.  I want him to make sure that he is sure about Jacob.  He told me that Jacob wasn't the issue, it's me.  Having to be accountable to someone else is a big change for him.  To have to discuss plans rather than just making them is a change for both of us.  I'm 30, he's 33 and we've both been single for a long time; (years so that is a long time) so to have to think of another person and consider what they want and to fit them into our lives is a huge change for both of us.  I'm so happy though that we talked.  Funny how communication is such a scary thing but then when it happens you usually walk away relieved.